blame game
by tatty ted
Summary: Richard overdoses, Lucy waits by his bedside. - —Lucy/Richard.


ϟ

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**blame game**  
_i'm gonna tell you one time._

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She always tries hard to maintain that distance when treating a patient, she never tries to get emotionally involved. He's different though, she can't help but get emotional because they know each other and they've worked together.

She tries, as she treats him to think logically, not get too emotionally involved. It's pointless because she somehow thinks she's too blame. He told her he wasn't cut out for this and she told him to stick with it because it really does get better.

She should know that not everyone is cut out for being a Doctor, perhaps Richard's just one of those people where medicine isn't a natural ability for them.

He's fresh out of the classroom, he's expected to know everything but this world's a whole lot different to the one in the classroom. It's real. The people, the conditions, the work. It's not sitting in some classroom, thinking about what you're going to do if you're ever in that situation.

He's on the front line, he's expected to get it right and not make mistakes.

She can see part of herself in him. The struggle to adapt on the outside, away from the classroom. It took her a while to adapt, as it probably did for a lot of Junior Doctors. That's life. That's the struggle with being a Doctor, trying to do what's right and nearly always getting it wrong.

The learning phase is always the hardest.

She sits with him, by his bedside as he's unconscious. She absolutely, cannot stand the sound of the monitors; especially the heart monitor. Every time it's quiet, she thinks he's dead until it jumps back into life again.

She can relax slightly knowing physically, he's going to be okay. She just knows emotionally and mentally is another challenge altogether. The piecing together why he attempted to kill himself and did he really want to die or was it more of a cry for help?

He stirs slightly and she watches him for a second. He wakes up slightly groggy and disorientated which is probably expected after an overdose. Their eyes meet for a second before Richard looks away,

"Why didn't you speak to me?"

It's the first thing Lucy's asks. She wants to know why he didn't come to her. She thought they were friends, they may have worked on different departments but, yes she thought they were friends.

He swallows and doesn't answer. How could he go to her? She's so perfect and never makes a mistake. She _never _made a mistake and that's because medicine was a natural ability to Doctor Pery, that's why he couldn't go to her. She'd find him pathetic and stupid and —

"I couldn't."

"Why?"

There's a pause followed by a sigh; "You'd never understand."

"I wouldn't? You're forgetting I was in the exact situation a year ago. Richard, like I told you earlier, it really does become easier. At first I didn't think I was cut out for this life, being a Doctor but I stuck with it and look, its paid off."

He doesn't say anything, he swallows and shuffles slightly in the bed; "It's not that easy Lucy,"

"And you thought this was?" She asks, referring to the overdose. He doesn't say anything, he can't say anything because he hasn't got anything left to say. She'd never understand what possessed him to overdose, he doesn't really know either.

"I get it Richard, you don't think you're cut out for medicine that's fine. Just don't throw away your whole life by doing something as stupid and irresponsible as this. You might not make it as a Doctor, that's fine. You've still got your life, surely that's something?"

There's a brief pause, "I care about you Richard, do you know how it felt seeing you like that?"

"I'm sorry Lucy," he looks to her, noticing the sadness and the hurt in her eyes. He caused that. He made her upset but is he surprised? How would he react if the shoe was on the other foot, what if Lucy was the one who'd tried to kill herself?

"Just promise me you'll never do something like this again," there's a pause on Richard's part, "Richard?"

"I promise," but although he said it, he'd made a promise, he wasn't sure if he could stick to it. This time he didn't die, next time he might. It's that tiny bit of hope that drags him to the drugs, the hope that he'll die and he'll never have to face the fact he's a failure.

He was brought up never to fail and he had. And in life, there was no room for those who failed.

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite, please leave a review:3


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